I used to think ideas were free. I used to think words were waves that merely convey ideas. I used to think trust was common. I used to think my heart could be heard. I used to believe in honesty and fair play. I used to believe in Christians. I used to believe.
Now I doubt more than I believe. My faith is smaller than it was in days of naivety – but it is deeper.
I believed followers of Jesus would deny all to follow him, now I know most will deny all to prosper. I have watched men and women I trusted deny “all” – they will deny ideals, the good news, friends, and even me. I have seen them deny justice, deny the word and yet claim to support the cross.
“It takes a long time to turn a huge ship.” Is the line used to maintain brokenness in systems – but maybe some ships should be sunk?
I don’t believe they are evil for being able to look innocence in the eye and sentence it to die. Just deluded. We (evangelical christians) believe words are more important than action. We believe it is ok to say one thing and do another. We accept duplicity as normality for the sake of systemic theology and personal prosperity.
When I believed I spoke freely. When I believed, I trusted my siblings in Christ. Then I saw that many churches and christian institutions were not different from their secular counterparts. Their trademark was not a cross of sacrifice, but of brand recognition. Their language was unique but their marketing approach, their appeal for customer satisfaction, their focus on the bottom line – was usually corporate normalcy.
When I believed, I wrote and raised my voice. THEN I learned words were dangerous, trust was rare, and few people really want to hear truth. As disbelief increased – my voice grew silent. Why care, why speak, why try when it only brings retaliation? I became quiet and complacent. I became unable to write or cry out.
Now I struggle to regain belief – I struggle to use a keyboard, pen, or paper.
YET I do believe in God – in Jesus – in the Spirit.
In the word.
I also know full well, the power of hate and injustice – and I will not believe in institutions or empty theories of salvation.
But I will believe in you and I! I will begin to speak again. I fear – yet I know “to refuse to speak the truth is the same as being willing to speak lies”